Random Crackfics and Spoofs about Breaking Dawn
by theshowerciara
Summary: So, I'm trying to fix some of the plot holes BD gave us, so here's some total crackfic and spoofs. Includes Jasper eating Renee and Phil, and Tanya asking Edward to MARRY her!
1. Chapter 1

**A.N. – So, my first crackfic! This is for all the girls on the BD fail train, Tigress5cubs, Birgit, Deva, Heavens Immortal, Quirkyalice, Tears_Of_Mercury, Katikittie and everyone else! They're the reason that this chapter will see the light of day. I may make this into a 'Trying to explain the Fail that was Breaking Dawn' series, but probably not.**

**I don't own Twilight, I'm just trying to make sense of Breaking Dawn!**

"Jasper, can you go to the airport for me? I need you to pick up Bella's mom and step-dad for the wedding. Edward can't go, and Emmett's trying to restrain Edward so he doesn't go and jump Bella's bones. Those kids are so sexually frustrated, I don't see why Edward won't actually just do it with her, for God's sake!" Carlisle called down to me. I didn't see why I had to go pick them up, I was the one with the least self-control around humans.

"But Carlisle, I have the crappy self control around humans! I'll probably eat her or something!" I whined up to him. He didn't understand, dumb Saint Carlisle and his perfect self control.

"I heard that!" Edward shouted down to me.

"Do you want a little grape with that whine, Jasper?" Emmett guffawed down to me. He didn't understand, I didn't want to kill humans, but I did. It was a total accident when I did though. Which wasn't too often. I had gotten my five year chip last week, which was a major achievement for me. My attack on Bella a year ago was almost forgotten, thankfully.

"Jasper, go, now!" Saint Carlisle shouted at me, so off I went.

So I went off driving to Port Angeles airport, waiting for Renee and Phil. Renee was drop dead beautiful, with Bella's ivory skin, and blue eyes. Her curly red hair was enchanting, and if Phil hadn't have been there, I probably would have jumped on her. I felt my lust level increase, and everything had a pink tinge to it. I shook my head, and tried to get rid of it.

"Renee, Phil, nice to meet y'all," I drawled, my Texan accent becoming more pronounced than usual. "I'm Jasper Hale, Edward's brother, and Bella's soon-to-be brother-in-law. Can I take your bag?" I asked them. Phil was struggling with them, and I knew I could lift them with my pinkie finger.

"That would be lovely, thank you Jasper!" Renee exclaimed. Her happiness level, which had been low, rose drastically. She didn't want Bella to get married, did she?

We got into the car, and I drove down towards Forks. I had to keep my speed low, because of the humans, but I didn't mind. Renee was so beautiful, I had to have her.

"So, Jasper, you're from the South? What part, might I ask?" Renee asked politely.

"Yes'm, I'm from Texas, along with my twin sister, Rosalie. But we've lived with Carlisle and Esme for a long time now. We're from Texas originally, but when our parents split up I stayed with dad in Texas, and Rose moved with my mom to live with Carlisle and Esme in Alaska. Then Dad died, I moved to Alaska, and then mom died. So we've lived with the Cullens for a long time now,"

"I'm sorry about your parents," Phil said, and then continued staring out the window. I was picking up a feeling of jealousy towards me, but I don't know why.

I continued driving, and when we got to the forest around five miles away, Renee cut her finger on a piece of paper. I stopped the car and pounced.

xXx

"Jasper! How could you! It's Bella's MOM for God's sake! How do you think Bella will feel when she finds out that her mother and step-father are DEAD? She'll hate you, and if she hates you she'll hate me, and then this will be ruined. Why, Jasper, why?"

"Alice, I have a solution. I hired two actors who look a bit like Renee and Phil, and they can play them for the wedding. Bella won't be able to see them again, so she won't know. We can stage a fake funeral for them in a few years, and it'll be perfect!"

"Jasper, this is why I love you!"

"AAAALLLLIIIICCCCEEE, JJJJJJJJAAAAAAAASSSSSSSPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR" Edward screamed at us. Oh crap, I think he figured it out.

**So, my attempt in making sense of Breaking Dawn. I'm well aware it's not my best writing, but I don't write funny too well, unfortunately!**


	2. Chapter 2 The Strip Club

**A.N. – I'm continuing it! What happened at the bachelor party? Was there a strip club involved? Perhaps... For my fail trainers again, love you girlies!! Also for wifey, for rocking my socks off my feet and giving me encouragment!**

**Disclaimer - I really really wish I owned Twilight, but instead I own some great friends who I've made through fic!**

"Jasper, where are we going?" Edward asked me. I didn't know, I was simply following Emmett, and Emmett had done a good enough job of hiding his thoughts from Edward that Edward was pissed at him.

"Um, Ed?" Emmett asked him. This was where the fun was about to begin.

"Yes, Emmett? What is it? Do you know where we're going, because if you do, I'd like to know!"

"Um, well, em, we're going to a vampirestripclubthatTanya'snowworkingat," Emmett tried to get the words out too fast for Edward to hear, but to no avail.

"WHAT? With my succubus ex-fiancée who wants to kill my current fiancée? Emmett, have you lost your mind? Wait, you never had one, did you? Of course not, you're Emmett McCarty Cullen. What was I thinking, you having a brain?"

"Ed, that's not fair!"

"Um, guys? We're here," I interuptted them before WW3 could start.

* * *

Edward

We walked into the esablishment, and took in the deplorable display of vampire flesh on show inside the run down shack. It was no more than a fancily named whore house, and I couldn't look up from the floor without seeing an eyeful of some disgusting succubus 'dancing' for want of a better word, in no more than her underwear.

"Edward, it's your last night of freedom. Make the most of it!" Emmett tried to get me to loosen up, but it was not going to happen.

"Emmett, I just want to go back to Bella's house and try to forget about here, please can I?" I almost begged my brother. Although Emmett was physically older than me, I was fifteen years older than himm and was never afraid to play the big brother card.

"Oh, Eddie-poo! You've come back for me! Yay! So, have you finally seen sense and dumped that human girl? Please say you have, it'd be great to be able to, get to know you, _intimately." _Tanya simpered up to me in a move that seemed practiced, and I didn't doubt that it had worked on many vampires before. She wrapped her leg around mine, and grabbed onto my shoulder.

"Tanya, I'm still involved with Bella. We're actually getting married tomorrow. You know that you and your family are invited, don't you?" I asked, trying to be polite.

"Yes, but I thought considering you had turned up here you had decided to get rid of the human bitch and finally get with a woman you deserve," She said, her voice turning venomous when she mentioned Bella. It was obvious that she still didn't like her, but I didn't particularly care about her feelings. Bella was who I wanted.

I turned to walk away, but an announcement stopped me in my tracks.

"And congratulations to Tanya, one of our preformers, who was just asked by Edward Cullen to marry her! Congratulations to Tanya and Edward. Edward is one of Carlisle Cullen's coven, and both are vegetarians." The rest of the announcement trailed off as I turned to Tanya, and saw her standing up at the announcer's booth.

"TANYA!" I screamed loudly. The entire club stopped to look at me.

"Yes, Eddie-poo?"

"You know that I'm getting married tomorrow, and it's NOT to you. I'm marrying Bella, and I don't care what you think of my marraige, it's not your decision. I love Bella, by some miracle she loves me, and we'll be happy. We'll get married, I'll change her, and the happily ever after will be ours! Do you understand me? I DON'T LOVE YOU. I never have, I never will. You are my cousin, nothing more. Why do you keep persuing me when you know that I don't love you that way? Can you understand that?"

"But...I love you. I always have, I always will. Why is that so difficult to understand? Why do you want to be married to a human?"

"What? A vampire and a human? Do the Volturi know this?" A nomad I knew vaguely stood up. His name was Garrett, and he was involved in the War Of Independence.

"Yes, they do, Garrett. They know that she knows all about my world, and I'm going to change her after our honeymoon. Aro is well aware of our plans, and has given us his blessing. Is that alright?"

"Of course, Edward. You know that I trust your judgment,"

"Thank you"

I turned to walk out of there, my brothers behind me. When we were around a mile away from the strip club, I turned to my brothers.

"If you EVER tell Bella about this, I will rip you up and I will burn your penises, do you understand me?" I asked.

They visibly gulped, and I knew that they understood me loud and clear.


End file.
